Maybe it's true that life
begins at fifty. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out...
You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work
is a lot less fun - and fun a
lot more work.
Statistics show that at
the age of seventy, there are five women
to every man. Isn't that the
darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting
on in years when the girls at the office start
confiding in you.
Middle age is when it
takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise
enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you
have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against
sin; I'm against anything that
I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has
described heaven as a family reunion
that never ends. What could
hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same
reunion?
A man has reached middle
age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his doctor instead
of by the police.
Middle age is having a
choice of two temptations and choosing
the one that will get you
home earlier.
You know you're into
middle age when you realize that caution
is the only thing you care
to exercise.
At my age, "getting
a little action" means I don't need
to take a laxative.
Don't worry about
avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
The aging process could
be slowed down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
You're getting old when
"getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker, and
you can't get it started.
You're getting old when
your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know till the
4th of July.
You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you
didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have
good news and bad news -
the good news is that you
are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting
old when you stop buying green bananas because it's
too risky of an investment.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
There are three signs of
old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other
two I forget
