1. The average
cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and
you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and
you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the
morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see
the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and
you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get
home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send
you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film
Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the
first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a
virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin
more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it
is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails
are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're
sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake
hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it
for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence
Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your
car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all
your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a
library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on,
or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring
in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the
men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go
to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking
dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was
it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist,
Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or
speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there
are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator
when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a
fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep
on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't
have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are
taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the
way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better
with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for
another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have
to work late, Honey", and then come home
smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your
butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the
wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or
an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ...
...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the
day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on
R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when
you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than
they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your
office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you
for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the
holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med
School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you
intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little
cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until
we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be
raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand
a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your
cuke and eat it too.
Webmistress
Charlotte Sandel Beck