Most Embarassing Moments

Oh my stars ! Have you ever had a moment when you wished the earth would open up and swallow you whole, just to escape the third-degree blushing burns on your cheeks?? No one can embarrass us as much as we embarrass ourselves. An embarrassing situation story usually becomes hilarious if none of the people you tell it to were actually there to witness it. It gets funnier in proportion to the amount of time that has passed since the event happened. Sometimes there just isn't a rock big enough to hide under. Everyone has their favorite stories (embarrassing or otherwise memorable) and here are a few of mine. Enjoy !

Lookin' Good
Being "newly" married, it was important to look great at all times. You know this. I even went to bed with my "false" eyelashes on, just so he wouldn't "know" they weren't mine. I remember waking up one morning before him and seeing one stuck on his back. When I first awoke, I thought it was a spider and I jumped out of bed in less than 1 second flat and had it killed with only three hard slaps of the pillow, all this from a dead sleep!

Oh John !
John is a hunter and fisherman without equal for many reasons. This is not one of his finer moments. While salmon fishing on the Manistee River in Michigan late at night, he took a restroom break at the port-a-john. When he got there, he noticed that the door had no privacy latch. There weren't many other people around at that time of night, and the path leading to the outhouse was made of gravel so he thought he would be able to hear anyone who would approach. He lowered his waders, pants and undies to his calves and had a seat. Soon he heard the crunch-crunch-crunch of footsteps on the gravel path. Instead of yelling out that it was occupied, he grabbed hold of the wooden cross brace on the door and held tight. A little resistance ought to let anyone know he was in there, right? Before John knew what happened, the door flew open so hard that he found himself sprawled out on the ground, exposed, looking up at a stranger who was as embarrassed as he was ! (we miss you dear John)

Barbie at the Outhouse and Loraine's Toasted Tennies
(Notice I didn't use Barbie's name to save her the public humiliation for a second time.)
The neighborhood annual fall Corn Roast is a lot of fun and the only neighborhood activity just for the grown folks. More beer and roasted corn than a human being ought to consume in one day and night. A bonfire with a circle of lawn chairs around it and lots of jokes and conversation always make for a memorable evening. There is no electricity at the local park where we hold the party, so the bonfire and a few flashlights are the only way a person can see to get around. As the fire loses it's blaze, we all scoot our chairs a little closer to the fire pit. When someone adds a fresh log, it blazes again and we then scoot the chairs further back from the heat. Loraine liked the heat more so she sat a little closer to the fire. While we watched the sole of her tennis shoe melt from the heat, looking like a toasted marshmallow, a small flame appeared at the cuff of her jeans. An alarm went up and we dashed to splash our cups of beer on her pant leg. No harm was done and she just scooted a little closer to the pit to dry out. Then Barbie picked up a flashlight and headed to the fiberglass port-a-john. When she went in, she set the light down on the seat next to her, then had a seat herself. Barbie had put the light on the side away from the group around the fire circle, making a perfect silhouette of her on the wall of the outhouse. No one yelled out to warn her but after the show, she emerged to a hearty round of applause.

The Car Wash
We live in the "boonies", lots of woods and water and not much else. When I saw the new automated car wash Grand Opening, I was sure civilization had arrived in our part of the world. Thinking I would surprise my husband and get his work car washed ( in 10 years it had not seen any water but the rainfall), I drove it to the car wash and waited in line for my turn to drive through. That poor car, the vinyl roof was peeling away making little plastic curls, and even the brown paint couldn't disguise the rusted out holes in the body, but, by gosh, it would finally get washed! When my car got to the front of the line, the owner came out and said, "Ma'am, we can't wash this old car here." I told him not to worry, there was no way he could hurt that car worse than it already was. After a long laugh, he told me "this is a cloth system and your car will rip up my equipment!"

Dining in Florida
Returning from vacation in Florida, we stopped at a restaurant in the town of Kissimee. While waiting for our lunch order, we were debating about the pronunciation of the town's name. Was it KISS-imee of kissa-ME, or what? When the waitress brought our food, I asked her, "Exactly how do you pronounce the name of this place?" and she replied " bur-ger pal-ace".

At The Drive-Inn
When I was a teenager, the Drive-In movie was in its heyday. On non-date nights, my cousins and our friends would get together and go to the movies. One night we were low on cash to pay the admission and the car was full, so we put a few girls in the trunk and told them to be quiet so we could sneak them in without paying for them. My cousin Nancy was in the trunk with a few others and the closer the the car got to the ticket booth, the more she would YELP!!. We made it in to the parking area without getting caught and when we opened the trunk, we found out why Nancy was making all that noise.. she was touching the wire to the brake light and each time the brakes were applied, she would get an electric shock !

Cruising
I'm pretty sure Cruising was popular in all parts of the country to the teenagers of the 1960's. Ahhh, what an era! For those reading this who were unfortunate enough to have missed it, or too young to have experienced it, Cruising was filling a cool car with your friends (one gender per car) and driving a popular road known as "the strip" from a teen hangout at one end to a teen hangout at the other in, usually a drive-in restaurant. Along the way, occupants from one car would "check out" passengers in the other cars, sizing them up as future date material. Occasionally, the cars would stop so the occupants could chat. On one such cruise night, our car of girls was being pursued by a car of guys we already decided were not worthy of our attention. Wherever we went, they followed us - they were relentless and we were determined to "lose" them. We quickly turned the car off the strip into a subdivision and parked our car on a side street amongst the other cars, turned the car lights off, ducked down to hide before the other car saw us. Sure enough, they had followed, pulled their car up to ours, and we sat up again when we heard them laughing. When asked how they found us, one guy said "you have your foot on the brake". Duh, the brake lights were on, giving away our hiding spot !

Facial Expressions
Before this next event, there was some debate between my husband and I about whether or not he was a light sleeper. I took a pink magic marker and drew on my husband Bob's face as he was in bed, sound asleep. He twitched a little but never woke up as I wrote "I Love You" on his forehead, drew freckles on his cheeks and put a pink pair of glasses around his eyes. I just knew he would get a big kick out of it when he woke. As my luck (or his) would have it, he was late for work the next day, jumping into his clothes and flying out the door in a hurry without stopping for his usual morning shave and shower. He didn't know his face was decorated until he was washing up for lunch at work and spied his reflection in the mirror, even though his co-workers were making fun of him all morning. That was in 1968 and he still plots to get even.

The Census Taker
I was visiting with my dear neighbor, Harry, when a knock was heard at the door. He opened it and there stood a young man with a clipboard. Harry asked, "Yes? What do you want?"
The man replied, "Sir, I am with the Federal Census Bureau and we are trying to determine just how many people are living in the United States." to which Harry replied, "Well son, you have come to the wrong place because I have nooooo idea." (we miss you, Harry)

Mexican Night
Debbie and her hubby and 2 small children lived with her sister's family who also had 2 children. A sister-in-law came to stay with them for a few weeks with her children. Meal time was utter confusion so they decided to have theme dinners, Italian night, Oriental night, Mexican night. They dressed in costume and acted out the themes and had a lot of fun too. On Mexican night, they all painted mustaches on their faces for the taco dinner. After dinner, Deb and hubby washed their face paint off while her sister-in- law went out to rent some videos for them all to watch and buy some milk shakes for dessert. When she got back, they saw as she walked in the door that her mustache was STILL ON !! She had a blank expression on her face as they were rolling on the floor laughing ! Finally, she turned to a mirror and realized what they were laughing at. She laughed but was in shock and embarrassed, to say the least, and it dawned on her why people in the store were smiling at her in that weird way.

Dave Does Video
Dave and his wife were at the video rental store and wandered into the XXX rated section. Joking about the explicit pictures on the video boxes and kidding his wife about them.. he picked one box up with a bondage theme. Aloud he said, "OOOooooo, whips and leather,,, how would you like it if I did this to you?"
--- dead silence----
He turned around to see why his wife wasn't laughing and there stood a man with a look of frozen fear on his face... Dave's wife was no where in sight.

Anniversary Wishes
On Bonnie's 11th wedding anniversary, she phoned her husband at his office to surprise him with some sexy love talk. After she hears "Hello?" she began her steamy descriptions, pretty hot stuff.. then she heard next, "Would you like to talk to your husband?"

Paula
"Most embarrassing? I was getting onto a bus in Chicago and felt my slip slipping; it ended up at my ankles by the time I reached the top step of the bus, and I had to step out of it to pick it up in front of what seemed like a million businessmen (rush hour). I tried to seem cool and calm and just wadded it into my purse, but I still groan inside every time I think about it ! "

Sheree - Geeezzz Dad
"My father is known for his great sense of humor and a life of practical jokes. My mother planned a joke to get him back. For a trip to Florida, she ripped out the back seam of his swimsuit and replaced it with water soluble thread so it would dissolve in the resort swimming pool and thereby "crack-up" all the relatives who were told in advance about the dissolving thread. Everyone was watching closely and more than surprised when Dad finally swam his laps and climbed out of the pool. He had put the swimsuit on backwards and EVERYONE was embarrassed !!!"

Shhhh!
Debra's whole family was at church one Sunday morning and some people were still talking when the minister entered and stepped up to the podium. Other people were saying "quiet - quiet please". Just as the congregation was getting quiet her three-year old son shouted out "Shhhh ! God D---it ! Shhhh!"

Boof Etiquette
Susie's two brothers-in-laws and their families were visiting from out of state. In one of the families, when someone farts, the kids put a fist on their forehead. Strange custom, but the other family has an equally strange custom of pointing at the offending party and saying "pig ! pig ! pig!". They were all at a busy restaurant when someone did IT. Imagine her embarrassment as half the kids began pounding their foreheads and the other half were shouting "pig! pig! pig!".
(C'mon Susie, there is room under the rock for you)

Liz a.k.a. Cinderella
A client of mine told me this one. When she was a freshman in college, she had a big date with an upper classman. They were all dressed up, Liz in her gown and heels, looking forward to a "Cinderella" evening. As they walked across the lawn to his car, she stepped in dog poop. Not very experienced and being quite embarrassed, she tried to just keep walking and kind of drag her foot to try to wipe the "stuff" off. He was trying not to notice, as she hobbled along like Quasimodo, but must have thought her crazy. Anyway, they were in the car, driving along and since it was cold he turned the car heater on. You can imagine the aroma that produced. He was a gentleman and never said a thing but rolled the window down a bit and tried to casually breathe the fresh air coming in. Needless to say, they never had a second date.

I used to have an Avon lady that had a really difficult time knowing when to leave. On one occasion I had an appointment and just could not spend time with her. When she knocked I ran to the door and told her I was on an important call and left to go back to the phone. There really wasn't anyone on the other end. To keep the operator from giving the "if you'd like to make a call..." spiel, I kept my finger on the hang up button. Of course only the unthinkable could happen - The phone rang in the middle of my important, uninterruptible, conversation. You just can't tell an honest lie anymore.

One thing I love about my kids is that fortunately they have their dad's sense of humor. Anyways, dh is a bit of a practical joker but it became quite clear that he had taught them well one day when he took them on his rounds at work with him. He owns his own heating Co. and deals with many contractors. While in the van waiting for dad to get in they spotted a roll of stickers individually marked "NATURAL GAS." They readily peeled off one of the stickers and stuck it on the driver's seat of his van, sticky side up. So needless to say it became frimly pasted to his behind. All day he ventured from contractor to contractor who took great joy in snickering along with my kids at the sticker. Not one of the contractors gave the joke away and dh could not figure out what the heck was going on until the next day when some of his contractors told him. He'll never live that one down. Chalk one up for the kids! Anne

        .
        "I was 16 working at my first job when I was taking the garbage out to the trash container on
         the other side of the parking lot (It was Icy out side and it was an enormous parking lot) when
       suddenly I fell and the boy that I took the garbage out with asked me if I was ok then I made this
       whining sound and he asked me if I was going to cry, I said no, then showed him my arm. I was
       entirely covered with grease, my clothes my face arms and everything was covered then he almost fell
       laughing so hard at me. The worst part was that the boy had to give me a ride home, but I had to wear a
       garbage bag on me and on my shoes and my head, i was totally embarrassed. " - Gigi
.

(This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.
The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father...)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,
crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard,
picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'" ........(anonymous email)

My daughter started her very first job at a local fast food restaurant. An older gentlemen came in and ordered a hot fudge sundae. My daughter, trying to be extremely polite and professional, smiled at the man and sweetly asked him "Would you like hot fudge on your nuts sir?". She quit the job the same day!.....(anonymous) :o)

I had the most embarrasing moments anyone could have had but one that still makes me laugh like hell. It was during my stay at a hotel. One day I was going down in the elevator when another person whom I havent met until then started talking to me. He asked 'How are you?" and I answered "Fine" surprised at it. He then asked me "What else are you up to" and I replied "nothing". Finally he turned to me and said "Do You Mind I Am On The Phone"!!.It was then that I realized he was talking on his Mobile. - Anonymous

My boss asked me to go with him to his client meeting at a local Mexican resturaunt. It was important that we make a positive impression. Soon after ordering, the waiter brought out chips and salsa which the client passed among us. Next came another dish which I took and began passing around. My boss got up and came to me and leaned down to whisper in my eat\r, :You are passing around my enree."